Thought I made it clear now--

Dreams, dreams... I had a dream.

Actually last night I did. It was about my grandmother; I dreamt that Owen and I went back to California and I was wandering the streets of my youth, and then I got to where my grandmother used to live and I saw here there, and she revealed that she was alive, had been alive for the past 20 years. I get this dream very often, the 'ahahaha, that was just a joke' dream, and it seems almost real that she's back-- and then I wake up and she's still gone. It's so disappointing, especially because in my dream it feels like she is RIGHT THERE beside me.

I know that I when I get to her grave, I am going to lose it. Absolutely lose it, and Owen is going to see me ugly cry, which isn't a problem-- but I know it is going to be soul shattering tears and I wonder if I'm even prepared for that? Like I cry over my grandmother every year in some way shape or form, last year it happened unexpectedly while I was on the way to work and a song came on the radio and it was a song that I associated with my grandmother. (we are not talking about the Enchanted Tiki Room, that song is just a trigger for tears since that was my grandmother's FAVORITE DISNEY ATTRACTION-- and when we went to disney world, Owen was so not prepared for the emotional effect that would have upon me)

It is easy to think, "Ohhh California-- where I grew up-- rocking my home state, and all the food and disney and lalalala", but going back to California holds emotional repercussions as well, I've not been back to California in 15 years when all is said and done-- that is 15 years pent up emotions and all the baggage that entails.

My enthusiasm is curbed-- yeah, I'm still excited, but I also know that I am gonna be punched right in the feels when I go back to California-- and while I love being gut punched in the feels when it comes to vicarious feels through media, that's alright-- it's when my own internal emotional clockwork that punches me in the feels, that is when I am unsettled.

There is a reason why you don't hear much about my family-- my biological family.

It is because the dysfunction is off the roof.

And not in the, 'awkward conversations' and 'fighting at thanksgiving'. Oh no-- my family is a bit more practiced and it is pretty much obscene emotional neglect. Yes, as a kid-- my physical needs were taken care of. I had a roof over my head, plenty of food, clothes and all that, and in that sense I was perhaps much luckier then other kids because I came from a fairly well-off family, at least comfortable. My family could afford to put me through private school-- and I had a lot of privileges. When it comes down to it, if it hadn't been for my grandmother, I probably would of been entirely unloved-- My father however, he was neglectful, I was an unconvenience-- he emotionally checked out with me and there was other more important things that he had going on with his life that a kid probably hampered down. Weekends and holidays at my grandmother's house was par for the course, and when I was 16, I moved out of my father's house to go live with my grandmother for the last two years of high school.

This didn't just extend to my father, my cousin-- my dearest cousin Danielle-- her father, my Uncle Glenn was pretty much extremist when it came to raising her, he was autocratic and dictatorial and he was the type that didn't want his children to watch disney movies because they were 'satanic'. It's even a wonder she's as well adjusted as she is to be honest.

Well I had made my peace with the fact that I probably will never be close with my biological family. My husband's family is wonderful, I have an adopted sister that I love and a group of friends that have adopted me as part of their family-- but my cousin Danielle is learning the hard way how utterly dipshitty the Warren family can be.

Like she recieved an invitation from a "Save the Date" for her step sister, and so when she went to save the date, she saw that her name was on there. She facebooked them and asked them if she was invited since she didn't see her name there. And her family, including her FATHER told her that since she was all the way across the country, they 'invited' her but they didn't INVITE her because she was halfway across the country and they had other people who lived closer that could come, and that the guest list is FULL UP.

FAKE INVITATION for the win--- how typical of that branch of the family, how very typical; I was not surprised as it is pattern card behavior-- I have recieved my own brand of it with my father forgetting me most of the year, and then around my birthday he does remember he has me as a daughter and wishes me happy birthday. But I felt crushed for her, she told me that it's nice to feel like it's over-- like it's a breakup that she knew was coming, and it's horrible and I wouldn't wish it on her, but I am proud of her and her strength for being able to come to terms with it. I told her though that I was always on her side and in her corner, after all we are tag team partners, and even though the rest of the family sort of checked out on her, I won't.

Through my life though, my mantra remains the same.. "Family is the people you find, not the people you are born too", and all my life I've been that vagabond, searching for belonging in strangers, because from strangers I've felt a thousand times more emotional connection then with anyone that shares my blood and heritage. With the exception of Danielle, I love Dani.