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alwaysbeenasmilerThere is a reason why you don't hear much about my family-- my biological family.
It is because the dysfunction is off the roof.
And not in the, 'awkward conversations' and 'fighting at thanksgiving'. Oh no-- my family is a bit more practiced and it is pretty much obscene emotional neglect. Yes, as a kid-- my physical needs were taken care of. I had a roof over my head, plenty of food, clothes and all that, and in that sense I was perhaps much luckier then other kids because I came from a fairly well-off family, at least comfortable. My family could afford to put me through private school-- and I had a lot of privileges. When it comes down to it, if it hadn't been for my grandmother, I probably would of been entirely unloved-- My father however, he was neglectful, I was an unconvenience-- he emotionally checked out with me and there was other more important things that he had going on with his life that a kid probably hampered down. Weekends and holidays at my grandmother's house was par for the course, and when I was 16, I moved out of my father's house to go live with my grandmother for the last two years of high school.
This didn't just extend to my father, my cousin-- my dearest cousin Danielle-- her father, my Uncle Glenn was pretty much extremist when it came to raising her, he was autocratic and dictatorial and he was the type that didn't want his children to watch disney movies because they were 'satanic'. It's even a wonder she's as well adjusted as she is to be honest.
Well I had made my peace with the fact that I probably will never be close with my biological family. My husband's family is wonderful, I have an adopted sister that I love and a group of friends that have adopted me as part of their family-- but my cousin Danielle is learning the hard way how utterly dipshitty the Warren family can be.
Like she recieved an invitation from a "Save the Date" for her step sister, and so when she went to save the date, she saw that her name was on there. She facebooked them and asked them if she was invited since she didn't see her name there. And her family, including her FATHER told her that since she was all the way across the country, they 'invited' her but they didn't INVITE her because she was halfway across the country and they had other people who lived closer that could come, and that the guest list is FULL UP.
FAKE INVITATION for the win--- how typical of that branch of the family, how very typical; I was not surprised as it is pattern card behavior-- I have recieved my own brand of it with my father forgetting me most of the year, and then around my birthday he does remember he has me as a daughter and wishes me happy birthday. But I felt crushed for her, she told me that it's nice to feel like it's over-- like it's a breakup that she knew was coming, and it's horrible and I wouldn't wish it on her, but I am proud of her and her strength for being able to come to terms with it. I told her though that I was always on her side and in her corner, after all we are tag team partners, and even though the rest of the family sort of checked out on her, I won't.
Through my life though, my mantra remains the same.. "Family is the people you find, not the people you are born too", and all my life I've been that vagabond, searching for belonging in strangers, because from strangers I've felt a thousand times more emotional connection then with anyone that shares my blood and heritage. With the exception of Danielle, I love Dani.
It is because the dysfunction is off the roof.
And not in the, 'awkward conversations' and 'fighting at thanksgiving'. Oh no-- my family is a bit more practiced and it is pretty much obscene emotional neglect. Yes, as a kid-- my physical needs were taken care of. I had a roof over my head, plenty of food, clothes and all that, and in that sense I was perhaps much luckier then other kids because I came from a fairly well-off family, at least comfortable. My family could afford to put me through private school-- and I had a lot of privileges. When it comes down to it, if it hadn't been for my grandmother, I probably would of been entirely unloved-- My father however, he was neglectful, I was an unconvenience-- he emotionally checked out with me and there was other more important things that he had going on with his life that a kid probably hampered down. Weekends and holidays at my grandmother's house was par for the course, and when I was 16, I moved out of my father's house to go live with my grandmother for the last two years of high school.
This didn't just extend to my father, my cousin-- my dearest cousin Danielle-- her father, my Uncle Glenn was pretty much extremist when it came to raising her, he was autocratic and dictatorial and he was the type that didn't want his children to watch disney movies because they were 'satanic'. It's even a wonder she's as well adjusted as she is to be honest.
Well I had made my peace with the fact that I probably will never be close with my biological family. My husband's family is wonderful, I have an adopted sister that I love and a group of friends that have adopted me as part of their family-- but my cousin Danielle is learning the hard way how utterly dipshitty the Warren family can be.
Like she recieved an invitation from a "Save the Date" for her step sister, and so when she went to save the date, she saw that her name was on there. She facebooked them and asked them if she was invited since she didn't see her name there. And her family, including her FATHER told her that since she was all the way across the country, they 'invited' her but they didn't INVITE her because she was halfway across the country and they had other people who lived closer that could come, and that the guest list is FULL UP.
FAKE INVITATION for the win--- how typical of that branch of the family, how very typical; I was not surprised as it is pattern card behavior-- I have recieved my own brand of it with my father forgetting me most of the year, and then around my birthday he does remember he has me as a daughter and wishes me happy birthday. But I felt crushed for her, she told me that it's nice to feel like it's over-- like it's a breakup that she knew was coming, and it's horrible and I wouldn't wish it on her, but I am proud of her and her strength for being able to come to terms with it. I told her though that I was always on her side and in her corner, after all we are tag team partners, and even though the rest of the family sort of checked out on her, I won't.
Through my life though, my mantra remains the same.. "Family is the people you find, not the people you are born too", and all my life I've been that vagabond, searching for belonging in strangers, because from strangers I've felt a thousand times more emotional connection then with anyone that shares my blood and heritage. With the exception of Danielle, I love Dani.
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(no subject)
27/2/19 09:44 (UTC)♥
(no subject)
27/2/19 12:46 (UTC)I wish the best for you and your cousin.
It's a grief that you never entirely get over, but as you know, it gets easier with time.
(no subject)
27/2/19 14:23 (UTC)(no subject)
27/2/19 15:06 (UTC)My familial situation is a bit odd in that, while our father decided immediately after we were born that he didn't want anything to do with us (and has since severed even any of the occasional "hey, how are you?" ties several years ago)...my sister and I were both fortunate that we had our mother and several other relatives who did truly care for us--and I am always grateful for that. But we also have relatives who aren't even related by blood--strangers that came into our lives by chance that we formed strong bonds with (the uncle we are most close to, is in fact just a friend of the family and no one of any actual relation to us at all through blood or marriage), and I agree with you so much as to how important and heartfelt those emotional connections in particular can be.
You and Danielle are both very, very strong people. I am so glad you have one another and others who will always be your family no matter what! ♥
(no subject)
27/2/19 20:31 (UTC)I'm glad she (and you) are able to come out the other side from that, though.
(no subject)
27/2/19 20:47 (UTC)(no subject)
28/2/19 17:39 (UTC)Mad hugs. :