: End of May-- Ask Me Anything! :

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

Heya everyone! As we near the end of May, I am going to open up the floor for an ASK ME ANYTHING.

Anything you are remotely curious about-- involving fandom, RL, favorite characters, songs, pairings, hobbies-- my life is an open book. I will answer it to the best of my knowledge-- And hey! Do the same in your journal, so myself and your friends can ask you questions! Let's get to know each other-- everyone!

Comments

[singloom]

Are there any YouTube channels or videos you watch to cheer you up? Sometimes, I watch video game related ones like Game Grumps and Markiplier to cheer me up when I'm having a down day. There's just something about watching someone freak out, rage and the like over a video game, especially one I've played.

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

Actually there is!

Magic Journeys

I love disneyland, I worked there for two years-- like twenty years ago. So I love anything disneyland related. This guy and his girlfriend go to the Magic Kingdom and wander around-- give history about the park-- but the most awesome part is that they TRY ALL THE FOOD. ON CAMERA. The disney parks has such amazing food, that really it's one of the best things ever. So I will watch that and get horrible bouts of nostalgia, but also it motivates me to try to save up for me and Owen's Disney vacation, because damn it *grabby hands* I want a Dole Whip.

[singloom]

Disneyland. I remember going there as a little me and enjoying it so much. It's really the stuff of dreams. On the subject of food, I tried strawberry popcorn at Tokyo Disneyland and it was surprisingly very nommy. <3

[bonnefois]

Actually, I've been thinking about messaging you about this, because we've known each other for so long and had a somewhat similar thing happen recently and I've been kind of having a hard time finding a way through it.

It's kind of personal, so if you'd prefer to take it to messages, it'd be fine.

You IDed as lesbian for quite a while and now ID as bi. After years of feeling like no label was good enough for me, but defaulting to lesbian even if it maybe didn't quite fit perfectly, I finally switched to queer (multisexual kind) because I was tired of not fitting any other box.

So, anyways, how has that change made you feel? Both the negative and the positive. I'm just interested in other people who switched identities.

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

Oh don't worry-- this isn't too personal at all. And it's tricky, it really is-- when I defaulted to lesbian, I thought that was without a shadow of doubt what I wanted, a relationship with a woman-- and then I got it, I got a relationship with a woman and I was in that relationship with that same woman for around 7 years. When I came out of it, I was almost born again in how I felt-- as if I was about ready for a grand transformation. I promised myself that I wouldn't limit myself. In that time, I went out with several women, and a few men. Then I decided to just sink into the relationship that just felt right, certain. That relationship just happened to be with a guy. I still identify as bisexual but I've realized that sexuality is a little bit more fluid, so maybe I am fluidsexual.

There's no denying that I went through a really bad breakup, but I wanted something totally unlike what I had-- most especially in feeling.

The pros-- is that I'm not confined to one gender, I go on personality and my personal chemistry with them
I feel like I'm being more true to me, and the label bisexual can switch both ways-- because it's safe to say that I am bisexual, that I can enjoy men's
company as well as women's.

The cons-- people invariably have accused me of being wishy-washy (the whole 'make up your fucking mind' type of statements)
When you come out a female/female relationship with an openness to female/male-- there will be a mark on your back. Immediately when I did-- all the
single straight guys I knew ran a competition to see who could get me first-- which was a singular douchebaggy thing to do. I was like a rare beast that
they felt needed to be hunted.

Ultimately it is how comfortable one is-- and anyone in my personal life who doesn't get that can go fudge themselves. (especially my dad who's been on the record saying that I am straight again-- nope; he doesn't get to say that.

[killertofuuu]

That was awesome of you to share, and I'd like to weigh in if I may. Although I stand firmly in the "please don't label me" camp when it comes to gender and sexuality, I tend to flutter between bi and ace, I think, and I'm willing to bet my medication/mental illness has a strong hand in it, because right now I'm so sexually dead inside, but I have been fiercely attracted to both men and women in my life, moreso when I was a teenager than anything.

I do feel guilt at times, because on the surface I appear to be straight, but I get so anxious discussing sexuality IRL that I avoid it outright. If someone tells me that I'm straight, or that I'm a lesbian, I find that those are the only two labels I can refute as bad fits for me, but I won't argue with bi, pan, demi, or ace. As for gender, I'm fine with female or neutral pronouns. I feel like I'm the type of person that can attract both sexes equally, but I'm marrying a guy, not because he's a guy, but because he's a friend I've connected with very deeply.

Also, there are times I feel like I can't define my sexuality clearly because I've never had a relationship with another female beyond friendship. I've never even kissed one. I've been attracted to them, but I never went for it. I don't regret it, though, because I'm very prickly about dating and meeting new people (VERY introverted IRL), so that had a big hand in it.

my dad who's been on the record saying that I am straight again-- nope; he doesn't get to say that.

I think I can understand that. When I was in high school, my mom pushed me a bit to come out as a lesbian under "it's all right if you are, I support you", which I was not and never was, though in a way I still appreciate the sentiment and know I'd be lucky for it if I was a lesbian. She thought this because I was part of the GSA and felt very passionately about LGBT+ issues, and I still do today. Still, she's a Baby Boomer. It's impressive she even acknowledges that gay and lesbian is a thing. She vaguely acknowledges that trans is a thing, but I think she mixes it up with gay/lesbian still. I don't think she knows that bi is a thing, though, and sometimes I wonder what she makes of the fact that I've been with my SO for six years and not once have I gotten pregnant, or even risked becoming pregnant (ace leaning + vaginismus = so much no right now.)

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

Well, honestly my boyfriend is asexual as well-- highly romantic, but still has very little interest in sex-- while I am interested in sex, it isn't all consuming and pretty much it is just another expression of love for him. So I understand that whole little bit, as there are times when being in a relationship-- you just want that connection-- mental connection. I think in those sort of instances, all I've ever really wanted was that deep connection and trust-- of someone who truly gets me. I got it with Jennie to a point, though after a while-- she ended up trying to make me into something I am not.

Owen though, that connection is precious, it's a connection I've never precisely felt-- it is just easy to be with him, to be in love with him-- there is very little fighting, there is just us as we go through life-- living it

I hope your mom understands that you are just doing you-- and that is all that you should be expected to do. My father, well he's like majorly oblivious to the fact that LGBT exists, and if they do-- they are sinners. My entire family is like that which is why I just never associate with them. Ugh.

[bonnefois]

Hey, thanks for sharing your story. I hadn't heard as much as the (rather gross!) side of men being creepy like that, (though it makes sense considering bi women have a 65% abuse ratio and the whole gross fetishizing f/f relationships and etc) but I'd heard a lot of "all my lesbian friends basically disowned me as a traitor and now I can't go anywhere in the LGBT+ community without feeling like a pariah" stories.

Considering that I've dated nothing but bi girls since changing orientations (not by design, just that's who was interested in me) and my friends are mostly bi, plus I'm not really out to anyone I know who was straight, I didn't have much change in that regard.

Probably the biggest change for me (and hardest aspect) was when I changed, I began to realize some of the uglier sides of the LGBT+ community that I hadn't seen before. That's what I'm personally dealing with most of all, and the biggest mourning point for me. I've actually had to pull out of some parts of fandom and LGBT+ areas because they're filled with a rather hostile sub group of lesbian or gay people who hate other parts of the LGBT+ very vocally, and it was really harming my mental health.

It's kind of hard to talk about because that same vocal sub group will call any kind of criticism homophobia. I've even had to see the jar-droppingly awful thing of a gay black man calling out racism in the LGBT+ community, only to be accused of homophobia and many white gay men wishing homophobic violence on him, and seen it with white lesbians talking about things like racism/biphobia/transphobia in the LGBT+ community and getting tons of bully and "you just hate lesbians!" in response, to an open lesbian.

I feel really "get off my side!" a lot of the time these days.

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

Oh gods, I am so sorry you had to see that-- honestly I have no words. I never really was a part of any LGBT+-group when I was a lesbian-- so I really didn't focus on the group as individual subgroups, but it makes sense that there would be division amongst them. But I am glad that you were able to divorce/distance yourself from the negative parts of the group, especially when you take in account, that the LGBT+ group should always be about inclusion and acceptance. In a world where that group is rained down upon with violence/hate/bigotry, I cannot see where one would want to have division within it's ranks, but rather all banding together for a common goal, and that is to fight outside hate and homophobia

I think that is the one thing I love about my boyfriend, he is muslim but he is accepting of the LGBT group, him and all of his muslim friends are very accepting and loving to all groups of people-- he has a Fairness Org bumper on his sticker just as I do. He told me it is because he knows what it feels like to be villified and marginalized.

*hugs* Well you know, if you ever need to talk-- I'm down and my ear is always open to you! After all we've been friends for a VERY LONG TIME!

[bonnefois]

Well, I'm trying and I'm still kind of bitter. Right now I'm just kind of hanging on my own and avoiding most LGBT spaces and just focusing on myself. One day I won't be angry about everything that happened, but it's going to take a lot of time to get there. So I'm just healing.

My current gf is so anti-social I doubt things like being treated poorly at pride would be a problem considering she never wants to go out and be near people, lol.

I'm glad you found someone who you really click with! He sounds very nice. We've been livejournal/DW friends long enough that I remember some more trying times for you, so it's good to see happier times.

[rocket_to_neptune]

What ARE your favorite hobbies? :)

What's your favorite childhood memory?

Do you still have any childhood mementos?

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

Aside from video games and reading books?

Well I do a lot of baking-- I also like to cook-- that is probably the major hobby that I have. I collect reference books-- the sillier the reference books, the better-- I used to do tarot readings but I lost contact with that, and I also had a rune set that I really liked to cast. I did beading for a time and I still have a work box full of trinkets and string (but I just lost interest)

That is me-- I lose interest in things-- I have the typical ENFP personality where I see something neat, go "SHINNIES!" and then I follow that line of thought until I grow bored and drop it for something else-- the only thing that I've reliably done since I was a child was tell stories to myself as I fall asleep. Just characters I've created-- so eventually I spin all these stories and then I fall asleep-- then the next night I pick up where I left off ad nauseum.

As for my childhood memory-- favorite one.

I remember Christmas baking with my grandmother-- it sort of ran together so that all instances became one instance. Of laying out the brown paper bags on the table, laying out the cookies on them. Licking the spoon when my grandmother made fudge (probably one of the reasons why I am not a fudge person, because of all the times my gramdother was like "Tanya! Lick the spoon!". But when I think about it, the entire Christmas season with my grandmother was special because my father was off doing gods knew what, and I had two weeks uninterrupted time with grandmother to look forward, everything from the little tins of nuts, to the sugar ribbon candy, to the peanut brittle that my grandmother made homemade. I will always have a wonderful memory of my grandmother during the holidays.

---

As for childhood mementos, there is one that I have. It actually relates to the Christmas season. My grandmother had this glass christmas three, it was white glass but at the core was this beautiful green tendril, and it was always placed on the coffee table, right between the tiered tray of candy and one of the nut jars. Well for the longest time I couldn't find it. I joined the military right after my grandmother became ill and during my time in basic training, she passed away.

Well that summer when my family was pretty much fighting over her stuff, a lightning storm came around and it struck her house, bursting the entire place into flames (I would like to say that it was my grandmother's way of saying "Hey assholes, stop fighting over things like that". Well my dad, my aunt cathy and my uncle glenn pretty much sacked the place for all it was worth before that, so it was a moot point...

But I came home perhaps 9 months later, with my ex husband (he was at the time my fiance). We went to visit the lot where my grandmother's house had been. It had been pretty much cleared of everything. I mean it was just an empty lot, it had all the markings of sand that had been went over by one of those sand levelers. Except for one thing-- off to the side my ex husband found this little glass christmas tree, the top had been chipped a bit, but it was ultimately that same christmas tree that had been on my grandmother's coffee table year after year. And I realized that despite my family having fought over her possessions, somehow she had managed to tuck safely away something that only I would find, that little glass christmas tree. It forever has a place of honor on my things. When I move to a new place, it is always the first object to be moved into the house and I sort of thing that somehow my grandmother's spirit is attached to it-- watching over me.

[rocket_to_neptune]

This is such a lovely story. <3 I'm so glad you were able to get something from your grandmother, even something small, and it seems extra special now.

[breyzyyin]

Are there any book, anime, or video game series that you're surprised you ended up really getting into? What made you change your mind about them?

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

Ahahaha this is a great series because I can really think of one series.

It was 1999, I was in college and I was on my big Squaresoft kick. There was one game though that I wasn't too sure about, because OMG, GIANT ROBOTS ARE LAME! I looked at Xenogears and was like "Oh my god, no-- it's too sci-fi, I know I'm not going to like it-- the art style is wierd". People were telling me over and over again to buy the game but I was like "Oh no guys, I don't want to play that game!"

But peer pressure ultimately caused me to cave-- because all of my friends online were playing it and I was like "Well okay, I don't want to be a lamer"

I get two hours into the game, and I realize that I'm in love. That it isn't just about giant robots, and that I actually like the characters. Pretty much I ate my words. All my friends laughed-- that is probably the end lol (I will admit though, getting to Citan's house was probably the game changer, as Citan ended up being one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME)

[star_healer]

I am not sure what to ask! But I'd like to know more about anything that's important to you. :) What are some of your favorite things, or subjects you're most passionate about?

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

Well I think I can sort of drop a few things that I am passionate about--

History - I love anything historical, so I am a sucker for period pieces such as Vikings, Downton Abbey, Harlots, Pride and Prejudice and other such things.
Octopii - Oh gosh, I can never go to an aquarium without first hunting down my favorite part-- the octopus! Then I try to re-create the little happy tentacle wave. (I also like Stingrays, which I call 'pancakes"-- so I will go "I want to go see the pancakes!" and really mean the Stingrays)
Bath and Body Works - And by that, I really mean smell goods-- my bathroom shelf is filled with bubble bath, body lotion and body sprays-- and I am pretty much the nicest smelling person at work.
Romance Novels - Though once again, mainly historical