![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alwaysbeenasmilerDreams, dreams... I had a dream.
Actually last night I did. It was about my grandmother; I dreamt that Owen and I went back to California and I was wandering the streets of my youth, and then I got to where my grandmother used to live and I saw here there, and she revealed that she was alive, had been alive for the past 20 years. I get this dream very often, the 'ahahaha, that was just a joke' dream, and it seems almost real that she's back-- and then I wake up and she's still gone. It's so disappointing, especially because in my dream it feels like she is RIGHT THERE beside me.
I know that I when I get to her grave, I am going to lose it. Absolutely lose it, and Owen is going to see me ugly cry, which isn't a problem-- but I know it is going to be soul shattering tears and I wonder if I'm even prepared for that? Like I cry over my grandmother every year in some way shape or form, last year it happened unexpectedly while I was on the way to work and a song came on the radio and it was a song that I associated with my grandmother. (we are not talking about the Enchanted Tiki Room, that song is just a trigger for tears since that was my grandmother's FAVORITE DISNEY ATTRACTION-- and when we went to disney world, Owen was so not prepared for the emotional effect that would have upon me)
It is easy to think, "Ohhh California-- where I grew up-- rocking my home state, and all the food and disney and lalalala", but going back to California holds emotional repercussions as well, I've not been back to California in 15 years when all is said and done-- that is 15 years pent up emotions and all the baggage that entails.
My enthusiasm is curbed-- yeah, I'm still excited, but I also know that I am gonna be punched right in the feels when I go back to California-- and while I love being gut punched in the feels when it comes to vicarious feels through media, that's alright-- it's when my own internal emotional clockwork that punches me in the feels, that is when I am unsettled.
Actually last night I did. It was about my grandmother; I dreamt that Owen and I went back to California and I was wandering the streets of my youth, and then I got to where my grandmother used to live and I saw here there, and she revealed that she was alive, had been alive for the past 20 years. I get this dream very often, the 'ahahaha, that was just a joke' dream, and it seems almost real that she's back-- and then I wake up and she's still gone. It's so disappointing, especially because in my dream it feels like she is RIGHT THERE beside me.
I know that I when I get to her grave, I am going to lose it. Absolutely lose it, and Owen is going to see me ugly cry, which isn't a problem-- but I know it is going to be soul shattering tears and I wonder if I'm even prepared for that? Like I cry over my grandmother every year in some way shape or form, last year it happened unexpectedly while I was on the way to work and a song came on the radio and it was a song that I associated with my grandmother. (we are not talking about the Enchanted Tiki Room, that song is just a trigger for tears since that was my grandmother's FAVORITE DISNEY ATTRACTION-- and when we went to disney world, Owen was so not prepared for the emotional effect that would have upon me)
It is easy to think, "Ohhh California-- where I grew up-- rocking my home state, and all the food and disney and lalalala", but going back to California holds emotional repercussions as well, I've not been back to California in 15 years when all is said and done-- that is 15 years pent up emotions and all the baggage that entails.
My enthusiasm is curbed-- yeah, I'm still excited, but I also know that I am gonna be punched right in the feels when I go back to California-- and while I love being gut punched in the feels when it comes to vicarious feels through media, that's alright-- it's when my own internal emotional clockwork that punches me in the feels, that is when I am unsettled.
(no subject)
5/4/19 13:46 (UTC)