: Finally have time for a Real Update :

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

It's been hectic at work-- well Monday was hectic and it took me a long time to actually get mentally prepared. Then when I had a few moments on Tuesday and Wednesday, all I wanted to do was play with shapes and colours in photoshop, read and take baths. However it's Thursday and I've cleared the worst of the week.

As y'all know, I covered a different department. Mondays are always bad, and Mondays with no real practical experience by myself was doubly 'the suck'. However I got through it (no thanks to the 16 hour day that I pulled, argh-- overtime is gonna be a-ok next paycheck). And then each day has been progressively better and I actually know what to look for. Yeah, Flow is a different beast (and the Flow girls are predominately VERY bitchy and cat-fighty-- whereas LTL are full of Nerds and Atheists, which is pretty much my cup of tea) but I have found I can handle it.

I have been also thinking of things that I need to 'reclaim' for myself. Things that I wrapped up in other people, which is why I want to remake a Jin Uzuki icon, maybe a Sigurd Harcourt icon as well (Xenogears). But moderation, so I won't be making 50 of them (hello Shitan, I am looking at you-- and yes, I only have one icon of him because 'repeat after me:' Moderation.) I know I have an obsessive personality, and it is a struggle for me trying to find that balance between enjoying a series and 'living', 'breathing', 'snorting it up my nose like the next hit'. Because I don't want to lose myself-- because I've done that before, I've lost friends, I've lost people close to me, I've invested too much in fandom where once the rug is pulled out, it's like a fish trying to breath on the shore.

It took me around 20 fucking years to learn that goddamn lesson, and I'm not going back now.

But I also remember the joy I felt-- the giddy squeal of a shipper, the feeling of Christmas when I found art of my favorite characters. It is all about taking small bites as opposed to gorging myself until I am sick. Maybe making icons of characters that I liked in the past will help me remember that I don't need to cut off my arm to spite my face.

I can enjoy characters-- but I can't let myself obsess over them, I can't let their identities overshadow my own.

Wow, maybe I should have a tag titled "lessons I've learned"-- ahahahahaha

Comments

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

I guess it is a matter of being burned myself-- of being able to separate fantasy and reality for the longest time. Which is probably a vastly different problem them what you probably have. Though I do get hyper-focused obsessed if I let myself

[bonnefois]

Maybe it's a variation on a theme. I remember directly reading within The Fangirl Life that fandom can really directly give you dopamine and serotonin. Now, take into the account that falling in love actually activates the brain the same way cocaine does, I think it's not out there to see falling for an OTP or a character (or both!) like a version of falling in love.

And if you're (general you here) dealing with depression or the mundane or things going bad, it can be easy to just go back to fandom over and over because it doesn't give hangovers and it's always just a click away.

That's how I think of it, anyways.

[alwaysbeenasmiler]

You have hit the nail right on the head

[bonnefois]

And unlike other dopamine/serotonin providers, there's little holding you back.

Video games, going to concerts, other places cost money; fandom often doesn't.
Food can make you heavy or feel bad, obviously drinking can leave you hungover. But fandom? It's like being able to hit that "eee!" dopamine high over and over with seemingly no downsides.