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: I had a dream :
20/12/18 20:33So, with the season comes a seaside of regrets-- but this season there is also a little bit of hope.
I have so many regrets, that I wasn't a better person six years ago.
That I wasn't a better granddaughter 20 years ago
But I realize that as I've grown up, I've learned and that's really all that matters. I made shitty decisions, but I've taken responsibility for those shitty decisions that I made and well there's that. When you do something, it's cause and effect, that doesn't change at all-- you just have to pick up the pieces and move on.
I'm in a much better place now then I was six years ago. I have a husband who I adore and who adores me, who taught me how easy it is to love and to be loved. It almost feels effortless and too good to be true but I think that a lot of people have the expectation that love is hard work and that fights are a part of that. But Owen and I, while we have disagreements, it never detracts from our love for each other-- the boundaries are never insurmountable and we always kiss good night. He is my best friend and he proved to me that loving your best friend IS NOT WRONG.
20 years ago, I was still young and inexpirienced, caught in a situation not of my own decision. What happened to my grandmother, that cannot be put on me-- I barely knew who I myself was-- and there was no way that I could of been strong enough to intervene in a situation where all the adults had taken control. That story had been written above my head and it would of led to the same conclusion no matter how much I had tried to intervene. In my heart now, I believe my grandmother would of understand me getting out of that situation, but it hurts every time regardless-- that last time I saw her at the Olive Garden, hugging her and leaving her to get into my father's car, not realizing that would be the last time I would see her alive. Had I of known, I would of never gotten into that car, I would of stayed there and held her and held her and held her.
But leaving had been what I had to do.
The season is a time of introspection just as January is the time of renewal and cleansing.
And I'm in such a good place that I can't complain-- not really. I do mourn friendships lost as well as lost time flowing under the bridge, but I know I can't dwell on it.
I have so many regrets, that I wasn't a better person six years ago.
That I wasn't a better granddaughter 20 years ago
But I realize that as I've grown up, I've learned and that's really all that matters. I made shitty decisions, but I've taken responsibility for those shitty decisions that I made and well there's that. When you do something, it's cause and effect, that doesn't change at all-- you just have to pick up the pieces and move on.
I'm in a much better place now then I was six years ago. I have a husband who I adore and who adores me, who taught me how easy it is to love and to be loved. It almost feels effortless and too good to be true but I think that a lot of people have the expectation that love is hard work and that fights are a part of that. But Owen and I, while we have disagreements, it never detracts from our love for each other-- the boundaries are never insurmountable and we always kiss good night. He is my best friend and he proved to me that loving your best friend IS NOT WRONG.
20 years ago, I was still young and inexpirienced, caught in a situation not of my own decision. What happened to my grandmother, that cannot be put on me-- I barely knew who I myself was-- and there was no way that I could of been strong enough to intervene in a situation where all the adults had taken control. That story had been written above my head and it would of led to the same conclusion no matter how much I had tried to intervene. In my heart now, I believe my grandmother would of understand me getting out of that situation, but it hurts every time regardless-- that last time I saw her at the Olive Garden, hugging her and leaving her to get into my father's car, not realizing that would be the last time I would see her alive. Had I of known, I would of never gotten into that car, I would of stayed there and held her and held her and held her.
But leaving had been what I had to do.
The season is a time of introspection just as January is the time of renewal and cleansing.
And I'm in such a good place that I can't complain-- not really. I do mourn friendships lost as well as lost time flowing under the bridge, but I know I can't dwell on it.